Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hypocritic Oaf

I like that tag line. I'm starting to get pretty good at this...

No blog here, just posting a link:

i wish i could take credit for this but alas.... great writing style, we just may be kindred spirits.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

Pop Goes The Culture

I had a brief yet humorous run in with a co-worker today regarding what constitutes "current events". This young lady (we'll call her Sally Flatass) waltzes into my office this morning, chuckling, and proceeds to tell me about something she just read on (side note: if you are not aware of the site don't worry. If you can count to ten without using your fingers and read books without pictures then then you just won't get the joke. And trust me, there's nothing wrong with that.)

Anyways, apparently Madonna split with her "hubby" Guy Ritchie and is now banging NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez. I respond with an incredulous "Why?" So Sally begins to tell me about their "relationship" but i tuned her out almost immediately because its obvious we're just not on the same wavelength. I'm confused as to why the "guy" who directed "Lock Stock" and the tastily named "Snatch" married that old hag in the first place. But I'm completely dumbfounded as to why A-Rod is banging that bag of bones now! That slob has had so much dick that A-Rod would need a Louisville Slugger sized hammer to get any sexual reciprocity.

I of course neglect to add this particular commentary as I don't want any calls from Human Resources next week. However, i don't want to be rude either so i offer Sally a polite chuckle and then ask if she saw Colbert last night (mediocre episode, expected more). This look of pained confusion enveloped her face as Sally informed me that she didn't watch "those types of shows". That in itself is fine as comedy is a personal taste but when I asked her what she prefers to watch she answered "Wife Swap, Survivor and America's Next Top Heroin Addict (Model)". I knee jerked me next response.... "Um, did you vote this week in the Federal Election?" There was that same pained, confused look again! "Hehe, there was an election this week?" Sweet Jesus titty fuck. Mercifully the phone rang and Sally took her flat ass away.

After i got off the phone the only thing i could think about was that this vacant minded mouth breather actually votes (or could, if she knew when the fucking elections were). shudder...... Anyways, there was a neglected pooch that needed screwing so i decided to check out this tmz site to see what her fascination with it was. Ugh....

The first story caption i read was "Denis From Denis The Menace: "Memba Him?". &%$#@!!!... vomit inducing, i know. Even worse when i realized that someone gets paid to write this shit.

But wait, it gets better...

The next caption read "Billy Joel's Uptown Girls Are Smokin': His driving record isn't so hot -- but damn, the women he's bedded sure are!" I kid you not. Someone actually wrote that. Apparently he's nailing a woman more than half his age. Good for him. Asshole.

So, I'm an hour now into this site (its kind of like the KFC big crunch sandwich, i know its awful for me but i just can't stop myself!) and I'm completely up to date on all the insignificant "news" i can stomach. I'm now dumber for having done this. Yet just as I am about to sign off I finally realize something; There aren't any articles on this site, just captions for all the ridiculous video's that are posted. Someone actually gets paid to post a video and then upchuck an accompanying caption.... wait... who's the dummy? FUCK!! I'm so in the wrong business.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Always Bet On Black?

The United States will elect a new President in 3 weeks and I couldn't be more excited... and terrified. This is a watershed moment in the history of our planet as Barack Obama, if you believe the polls, is a hairs breadth from the Oval Office. And that's the rub isn't it? When whitey is in the polling booth will he actually bet on black?

Americans call this the Bradley Effect. This is in reference to the failed 1982 California Gubernatorial bid of Tom Bradley, an African American, in spite of having a significant lead in the polls just prior to election day. I prefer to term it as the Spiral of Silence. The theory holds that white voters, not wanting to seem racially motivated, will often mask their true voting preferences so they can avoid unwanted criticism.

In reference to the Tom Bradley case, several polls from prominent California media outlets projected Bradley as the winner. In fact, early editions of the next day's San Fransisco Chronicle featured a headline proclaiming "Bradley Win Projected." However, Bradley narrowly lost the race. Post-election research indicated that a smaller percentage of white voters actually voted for Bradley than polls had predicted. Will history repeat itself 26 years later?

Depending on which poll you look at, Obama has anywhere from a 6 to as much as a 14 point lead in the polls. Considering these numbers it might be safe to assume that Barack can absorb any social desirability bias on behalf of dishonest voters, yet i still fear the worst.

America's very soul is at stake with this election. Alarmist hyperbole you say? Not really if you consider the options. With Obama you have an Ivy League educated Civil Rights attorney who seems to have a genuine concern for the welfare of all Earth's citizens, not just Americans. In the other corner you have an erratic octogenarian with a heart full of malice and an Evangelical mental midget for a running mate. The choice seems clear but if you waiver at the polls and vote McCain, just how deep does your hatred run?

The world is watching America.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Palin Gives the Viewers Serious Platitude

My wife and I are sitting here, watching the US VP debates (I'm watching the Canadian slug fest on the late showing. Thank Jebus for digital!) and we are amazed by the emptiness of Sarah Palin's responses (also, she keeps winking into the camera. I think she's flirting with me, but I digress). She appears so overly coached that I almost expect to hear instructions being shouted from the galleys. My wife made a crack that we should turn this debate into a drinking game, downing a shot of Tequila every time Palin says "Maverick". Needless to say we'd both be shitfaced 45 minutes in.

Is this now what passes for American political debate? Contemptuous smiles, feigned compliments through gritted teeth and an endless stream of projectile vomited platitudes? Say what you will about the bland, uninspiring nature of Canada's political leaders but when they debate, they draw blood. In fact, i just tuned in now to the Leaders Debate (Palin just followed up a "you betcha" with yet another maverick comment so it was either change the channel or cut up another lemon) and gosh darnit if they aren't all sitting around a table, cheek to jowl, jabbing fingers at one another and calling each other out. Awesome.

Getting back to the Americans, why do your leaders talk to you like your 7 years old? Grow some balls for christ's sake! Now before you get all indignant and shit, just give it a bit of thought. If you watch the American debates and catch their ridiculous ads on TV then there is really only two conclusions you can arrive at: Americans are idiots, or their leaders think they are. Not that one needs to understand Chaos Theory or read Sanskrit to fully absorb the messages of Canadian political ads but they are far less pandering or overtly rhetorical.

Of course, for the true believers the debates are basically preaching to the converted so the real question is how do the undecideds grade the combatants? There are certain hot button issues (see "irrelevant") such as abortion or gay marriage that have vastly polarized opinions but there are quite a few hairs to be split on the economy and foreign policy. do the ignorant masses who love Jesus but hate queers (yet fail to see their hypocracy) really understand the intricacies of the sub prime mortgage crises or even know where on a map Islamabad, Tehran or Darfur is? What are the undecideds so damn, well, undecided about?

As some of you may have figured out by now, I'm a bit of a Hobbesian in my opinions of the general voting public. I just don't think that a vast number of voters have the requisite understanding of the legitimate issues of our day. If you have a firm grasp of economic and foreign policy concepts and truly believe that privatization, deregulated markets and war before diplomacy is the answer (although I whole heartedly disagree with you) then I can at least respect your opinion as being one of careful, analytical thought. Unfortunately, i just don't think there are many voters out there who comprehend these issues nor care about anything beyond their day care credit or support our troops bumper sticker.

Well readers, I know its a bit of an abrupt end (and a bit too meandering for a 5-6 paragraph blog) but its late so I'm signing off. I'm sure I'll revisit this at a later date but until next time... stay cynical!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Hip to What's Key

So, I'm going on a Club Crawl tomorrow night for a friend's stag. I'm sure I'll have a good time - I mean, there is booze involved - but a few members of our group are trend whoring fasionistas who are insisting that one of our stops be some pretentious "Lounge" (can we please get a moratorium on these fucking places!!). Anyways, I checked out the website and..... well let me put it this way: They have a pond in the middle of the club with floating candles in it. Floating Candles for Christ's Sake!!!! Fucking feng shui bullshit. But I digress...

These same "guys" in our group, although cool in their own way, are going to spend hours getting primped and pretty for the Crawl - which is not cool.... in fact its sad. I weep for their testicles. I can picture them wearing $150 jeans (its denim. Seriously. You're a fag) with white dress shoes. What the fuck is that? Dudes should only wear white shoes if they're playing a sport!

Readers, can you help me out here? I am thoroughly confused by the ever growing trend of straight dudes trying to look homosexual. Don't get me wrong, I love the lighter loafers. They are a hell of a lot better looking than I, and the fact that they love dick and not the "good stuff" just makes it easier for me to score ladies. Kind of evens out the playing field... so to speak. But they're gay, so i don't bat a manlash when i see one walking down the street, all Couture'd up and shit. He's just doing his thing. But do women really like dudes who read Cosmo, or at least look like they read Cosmo?

Please don't misunderstand, I do like to look good. I own a few very sharp suits and I've spent a fortune on ties. My clothes are clean and my manpanties are hole less. But I draw the line at looking "too good". You know what I mean, the guy who spent hours picking out his wardrobe, getting his eyebrows waxed, his skivies pressed etc. If you're not sure how to tell apart those who look good from those who look too good, simply spill a drink on their shoes. If he flips out, then he is one good push from taking a dude home from the bar. If he doesn't give a shit and then uses that as an ice breaker to get your number then you've found your guy. Unless you like the Ryan Seacrest type.

Anyhooo.... I plan on getting absolutely shitfaced tomorrow. And the Lounge won't be too bad, I'll just pass the time playing "Is He Gay or European?". Great game.

Until next time....

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Portrait of the Political Hack as an Empty Man

I always suspected that Steven Harper was a soulless fascist. I'm not sure if it was his not quite right Ken Doll hair cut or the bland grey suits he wears or his empty snake like eyes but there was just something that screamed "I'M DEAD INSIDE!" whenever I looked at him.

Then I read this, and all my suspicions were legitimized:

Wow. I can't believe I've been wasting my time all these years listening to music or going to art galleries. Thank you Mr. Harper for shedding some light on this issue. The Arts are a waste of time and money - I mean, who needs it right? Right? Its not like anyone actually admires a nation's culture through its paintings, sculptures, music, architecture, poetry or literature. I know, for instance, that what I love most about Greek History is their culture of fiscal solvency and conservative social policy. Everything else is just fluff. But I digress....

I'll be sure to tell all the "normal" and "ordinary" Canadians I meet that its in their children's best interest that their school no longer offers music or art classes. Seriously, is political hackery really worth your soul Mr. Harper? Are you so easily bought? A nations culture, its very identity is bankrupt without art.

Now, I realize that you think this is "a niche issue to some" (Unlike Gay marriage, that has obvious global implications) but please don't pretend you speak for all us "ordinary" Canadians ever again. You are governing this country on an agenda with an obviously regional perspective that fails to represent the values of the majority. Not all of our nations children want to be farmers or oil riggers, some of us want to be sculptors or writers as well.

Speaking of writers, i fancy myself an amateur wordsmith. Part of my growth is learning how to effectively wrap up or conclude a piece of writing. This has always been a struggle for me so with this posting I think I'll be as succinct as possible:

Only a fascist believes that freedom is the absence of choice. Be it a woman's choice to explore her pregnancy options or a child's choice to paint or sculpt. I believe in a more vibrant Canada than what you have offered and I weep for the future of this nation if you bully and cajole your way to another election win. My only solace is knowing that eventually Satan will come calling. I mean, a deal is a deal right?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

First Post

A short one, just to get things rolling (I'm busy at work... ok, I'm not busy... ok, I could be busy but this job is emptier than a Michael Bay joint).

All are free to comment on this blog. I'm not the thought police and I encourage a good healthy dialogue on the topics of the day. However, if you post any blatantly racist or otherwise offensive comments I will erase them. Too vague? Let me explain the difference between discourse and offensive...

Topic: Crime Demographics and How they are Inherently Racist and Misleading.

Discourse: It seems like blacks commit all the crime in the neighborhood/city/country. Its all I see on TV or read about in the paper.
- this conclusion couldn't be more wrong although it is very easy to be mislead by the media. anyone who posts something like this seems to be open for a discussion and not a complete idiot or ignorant redneck.

Offensive: Blacks are genetically inferior and predisposed to crime.
- you are obviously a toothless mouth breather. Please Fuck Off