Saturday, November 27, 2010

Bullshit Report

I need to start writing, anything, again. I've been "working" on a novel for 6 months now and have done fuck all outside a few scribbles about the setting. Shit or get off the pot you say? Fuck you.... however, you're spot on with that.

In lieu of my grand opus of Nebula Prize quality, I bring you a few pseudo-intellectual ramblings of a failed sci-fi writer.

An old university roommate of mine once commented how the Internet has actually made people less intelligent. His position was that the dissemination of data along the information highway has created two camps - the Cynics (everything is bullshit - no skeptical analysis, just universal dismissal of everything) and the Lemmings (I know stuff because I saw it on the computer).

It's a compelling argument and one I will not debate in this article (because I tend to agree). However, web or no web, humanity sure is a gullible lot.

For the sake of writing something, anything, here is a list a several "truths" that are complete bullshit:

1. Organic Food: There is one indisputable fact regarding organic farming - it cannot sustain the needs of the Earth's population - it's too slow, the yields too low and the costs too high. So unless you want the 3rd world to rise up and murder our ass (we deserve it), shut the fuck up already.

As for "chemicals" its simple, don't buy out of season produce. A locally farmed yet non-organic Tomato is just as good as the one you bought for $4/lb at Whole Foods. You'll just have to do without the strawberries and avocado for a few months.

Also (Fun Fact Alert!!!), there is significantly more cyanide in a single almond than there is pesticide in 10 delicious Ontario apples (non-organic). True Story.

2. The Two Year Black belt: Penn and Teller did a piece on something similar during the past season. However, as usual they Michael Moore-a-fied it and turned that episode of Bullshit into, well, bullshit.

However, they did get one part right - the strip mall dojo.

Earning a blackbelt in any Martial Art is the pinnacle achievement of that discipline. It takes years, if not DECADES of dedicated training to reach that goal. Once or twice a week for an hour after work at Jimmy's Karate School does not make you an unstoppable killing machine. Sure, you get in shape, improve your cardio and generally feel better about yourself. But you are not a Karate, or Tae Kwon Do, or Judo, or Fuk Yu (its a Scottish Martial art that mostly involves head buts and kicking you when you're down) Master.

Far from it. What you are is a dupe who got suckered by a sales pitch. And that's OK because we've all been duped at least once. My ire is not directed at the students as I'm sure you all signed up thinking your Sensai's, or instructor's, were the real deal. Well, they are not. They are fucking charlatans who've sold you an ideal, a concept, a legend. They promised you could be in "two short years"
what you fantasized about as a kid watching Bruce Lee or Van Damme movies.

Sound familiar? You're not alone. Now that you have your fake black belt, don't pick a fight. You won't like the result.

3. We Only Use 10% of Our Brain: Who the fuck started this horseshit? We couldn't even blink without assistance from a caregiver if this were true. Why does humanity swallow these idioms so readily... with relish and without question?

I was 9 or 10 when I first questioned this crap. Not because I'm a genius.. ahem.. rather, its the reality of an only child to get lost in thought for hours on end. I was just lucky to have a Mom who encouraged my inquisitorial spirit and allow me the freedom of contemplative solitude.

My Charlie Brown Encyclopedia (great gift for those of you with young kids, relatives) said an adult brain weighed between 2.5 - 3 pounds. So, if we use only ten percent that would mean roughly two pounds, nine ounces are useless flesh. That just did not make any sense to me.

Alas, Charlie Brown and the rest of Schulz's gang didn't have any answers for me. So where did this bullshit start?

This myth actually began with Einstein. The irony is rich but what AE was referring to was a waste of mental capacity in the existential sense, not biological. Unfortunately the media got a hold of this and the rest is ignorant history.

What's the point of all this? Do not be afraid to ask questions, don't assume, be skeptical (but not cynical) and for Allah's sake, don't trust the fucking Internet (unless you read my blog - I'm an Oasis of truth, trust me).

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Its been a fucking eternity sinse I posted. Sorry about that. More to come I promise. I'm still pissed but its hard to get my shit right knowing I'll be dad soon. I'll get it together. xxoo.

Chair Club

There's this thing about tables. They are brilliantly designed so that they have a handy space underneath for chairs. Thousands of years of human civilization have led us to this point. And vaccines for polio. But mostly chair-space under tables.

Ref = Blind?

I don't even have strong feelings towards the French that much. Zinzedene Zidane I could take or leave. However, I'm Irish (and German, Scottish, French Canadian. Metis Idian) to the CORE!

It's handball! .It's practically the only thing that's against the rules, besides being offside or head butting Marco Materazzi.

Plus, France is always in the World Cup. The Republic pretty much never is. They're scrappy, and adorable, and not entirely made up of colonials**...that's right, I went there.

*note... Henri has since stated that a rematch was only fair as his "instinctual" handball should have been called.
**never mind

Friday, October 9, 2009

Halloween Costume Alternatives

If your costume hasn't offended anyone, then you just didn't try hard enough. So with that in mind, here a several options to consider this year:

1. The Rapist (see photo) - Complete with prototypical rapist glasses and too small shirt, this predator is a sexy nurse's worst nightmare. Have a sack of Tic Tacs at your disposal and go around dropping them in the drinks of every naughty school girl you see. When confronted (a guarantee) just stare at their tits with a look of moronic lust and utter "hummuna hummuna hummuna hummuna...." Bonus points if you can get laid at the end of the night (minus the sexual assault of course).

2. Survivor of a Botched Abortion (aka, a Buffalo resident) - This will get you high fives and quite possibly murdered, depends on where you unleash this gem of a disguise. Attach a wire coat hanger to your skull (you'll figure it out) and don a Bills jersey or I Love Buffalo t-shirt (or whatever backward city/town near you that fits the bill). That's it. You may need to explain to confused party goers exactly what your get up signifies - but once you do its magic time. Perhaps as an added prop you can have fliers made up to hand out to fellow trick or treaters. Have your picture with the caption: Abortion hurts real bad. Look at me!. Good times.

3. The Wine Box (see pic): This is fucking genius. Period. What's better than getting hot chicks (or any chick for that matter) to drink booze from an udder that very well could be your dick. Even better if you have real wine for the ladies. Kudos's to the guy who dreamed this one up.

4. The Vagina Terrorist: Wear one of those Muslim man dresses with a Ron Jeremy T-shirt over top and attach a kick ass 80's porn style stache to your face (bonus points if you can grow one). Then go around saying things like "I declare Jihad on your pussy", or, "Hello infidel whore, if you play your cards right i might fatwa in your ass later tonight." This costume is a party winner and sure to please the ladies.

So with these in mind, go out and have a great time. Being an offensive ass is good healthy fun. You're welcome.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The 4 Worst Halloween Costume Ideas for Men.

There are so many I could have included here but I decided to limit it to lame archetypes that get perpetrated every year. Sci-Fi/Fantasy Film Characters, Animals and Dead Celebrities. When its done right, its oh so right... for example: Two very hot chicks I worked with went out as Chrissy and Janet from "Three's Company". Complete with short shorts, halter tops and an urn.... that they used as an ashtray.... this was 6 weeks after John Ritter died. Do I need to do the math? Fucking Brilliant.

These 4 examples on the other hand....

Anakin Skywalker: So, you’re out of ideas as to what to wear to your hot neighbor’s Halloween party… what to wear, what to wear…. Eureka, Anakin Skywalker! Chicks love insufferable douchebags right!? How else do you explain Brody Jenner getting laid? Seriously, fuck, don’t. In a single scene Luke was more butch when he was whining to Uncle Ben about butt plugs and power converters than Anakin was in the entire three horseshit prequels. Where the fuck was the Emperor doing his recruiting for dark apprentices, the Blue Oyster Bar? ( - Hightower would have made a kick ass Sith Lord if only Palpatine knew he was at the Beach with Obi Wan Guttenberg). Are we to believe that Vader’s red hot rage is the result of suppressed homosexual desires? Why didn’t you just call Attack of the Clones “Star Wars Episode 2: Vaseline and Broken Dreams.” Fuck You George Lucas! Fuck You!! …. But I digress…

Ironic Twist that just might make it cool: Rainbow colored Light Saber. It’s subtle but fuck it, you already bought the outfit.

Gorilla: Because this hasn’t been done before. I realize you went out last minute for a costume but Jesus Christ, at least put in 5 minutes of extra effort. Your punishment for procrastination and lack of imagination? 6-10 hours encased in a rubber body suit and mask covered in synthetic fur. You can expect to sweat out 35lbs and then pass out in a corner and probably asphyxiate yourself on your own vomit. John Bonham would be proud. Now you’re dead. Nice job moron.

Neo: Ugh…. I already want to punch you in the face. I was actually at a Halloween party where there was a Neo present. He just kept walking up to people and saying “My name is Neo”, or “Guns, lots of guns”. I swear this twat must have rehearsed his “lines” for weeks in preparation for this party. You couldn’t even have a conversation with this tool because he refused to break character. So what’s an asshole to do? Well me and 4-5 other like-minded individuals filled several balloons with our urine, discretely told “Neo” that there was a drunk chick dressed up like Trinity showing off her tits in the basement, and when he rushed in there and quickly realized the room was empty, he turned and faced us just as we pelted him with our righteous piss bombs. Oh man, we laughed and laughed… it was classic. Not 100% sure what happened to that guy afterwards. I heard something about a move to Montana where he was going to write some kind of manifesto? Lol… what a character.

Michael Jackson: Are you fucking kidding me? Please kill yourself. Seriously. When’s the last time you listened to an MJ album? 1989? And now you love him again – so much so that you decided to dress up like him as a tribute on Halloween? Can you even spell irony? I will guaranfuckingtee that you ridiculed this whack job just as much as the rest of us for the past 20 years yet all of a sudden you’ve loved and respected this kiddie finger banger all along? Can I ask any more questions? I hope you’re sterile. Go fuck yourself.

Ironic Twist: Oh man, where do I start….. ok… how’s this…. Stitch a cabbage patch doll's face into the front of your pants. Also works nicely as a beer rest!

Halloween is rampant with douchebaggery which is why I've avoided it the last few years. Everyone is spending hours trying to impress a bunch of jerkoffs who are doing the same thing as you which just seems counter productive. Which is why you need to do the opposite. Piss off as many people as possible. The less people find you funny, the better your costume and conversely, the funnier you really are. For ideas, be sure to read my next post.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Breaking Down the Members of Cobra Kai

If you were born between the years 1970 and 1979 then I'm sure you've seen the 80's classic, Karate Kid. If you haven't then you obviously grew up on a compound in Provost Utah and have 17 mommies and one daddy. All Praise To Allah.

This is my homage to a great movie and perhaps the best collection of 1980's stereotypical film antagonists, the Cobra Kai. You're welcome.

There are four main Cobra Kai who form the nucleus of KKI (Karate Kid part I): Johnny, Bobby, Tommy, and Dutch. There are others (Jimmy, Jerry, Chucky, etc.), but these four are the only ones who have any substantial roles in the film. They each also have notable speaking parts, allowing us to identify them as something other than, say, the fat kid who gets reverse roundhouse-kicked in the chest (probably the greatest move in the entire film), the token black guy (also plays the token black fag in Revenge of the Nerds), or the one who was also in Head of the Class (Jimmy, a.k.a. "The Fifth Cobra Kai"). As it turns out, each of the big four Cobra Kai is emblematic of a certain archetype of high school cool kid society: rich bully, troubled good kid, smart ass, and sociopath.

JOHNNY: Everyone's favorite, the rich bully. There is not much to say here that true fans don't already know, so I'll be brief. Johnny (played by the bad ass Billy Zabka) is the antithesis of Daniel-san: whereas Daniel-san is a small, poor, weak, ethnic kid who sucks at karate, rides a shitty bicycle, rolls up his jean cuffs like a goddamn fairy and has no friends; Johnny is a tall, strong, rich, WASPy jock who kicks ass at karate, has a cool motorcycle, cleanly shaved balls (what?) and has lots of friends. The reason why Johnny is so popular these days is because he does a great job of summarizing what internet nerds always wanted to be in high school. No one looks up to Daniel-san. Would you rather have a moderately cute girlfriend with a bunch of baby fat and no tits who respects how poor you are, or would you rather have a kickass motorcycle, a ton of money and friends, and get to nail hot freshmen all the time? Would you rather be the skinny dork in the shower costume, or the fucking karate skeleton that smokes weed? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Fun Fact: Zabka has been nominated for an Oscar. Really.
Best line: "You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, you little twerp? No, you had to push it. Well now you're gonna pay."
Best move against Daniel-san: While most people would say sweeping the leg, this spinning heel-kick to the face was absolutely devastating. I tried to get my sensai to teach me that immediately after seeing this film for the first time. I was reminded that he taught Tae Kwon Do, not that queer Karate shit. Then he spinning heel kicked me in the face to teach me a lesson. Martial Arts builds character.

BOBBY: Bobby is a complex character, one who represents a troubled but fundamentally good kid at heart who is searching for a role model. Bobby has an independent and non-conformist streak, unique among the Cobra Kai. Consider the following.

- When we first meet the Cobra Kai, they all wear red leather jackets. Bobby's is blue.
- Same scene, Bobby declines a warm beer offered by Tommy with a brotherly "no thanks, pal." Johnny also declines, but that's because he wants to avoid his reputation of "ace degenerate," suggesting a very different past.
- Same scene again, Bobby tells Johnny to forget about Ali. Peacemaker, not a troublemaker.
- Bobby's most famous line ("Leave him alone, man, he's had enough!") shows him standing up to Johnny and Dutch against taking violence too far.
- After the hilarious kick to the knee that cripples Daniel-san, Bobby is immediately down on his knees apologizing.

All of these incidents make Bobby seem like a much nicer guy than the other Cobra Kai fucks. So why is he a Cobra Kai? It seems that Bobby needs a role model, and this is something he gets from Kreese. More than any other Cobra Kai, Bobby is the character who exemplifies "teach say student do." Throughout the tournament montage, Bobby is always looking towards Kreese for encouragement (don't get me started on the thinly veiled homo eroticism that runs rampant throughout this film. but i digress....). His exclamation of "you're history man, you're dead" sounds hollow and out of character. When Bobby spars with Jerry, Kreese has to exhort Bobby to "finish him," which is fucking brutal for everyday sparring. Even right before Bobby delivers the near-fatal blow to Daniel-san's knee, you can see him look to Kreese repeatedly for reassurance. Teacher say student do indeed.

Fun Fact: In real life, actor Ron Thomas actually is a champion martial arts guy.
Best line: "Leave him alone, man, he's had enough!"
Best move against Daniel-san: Brutal flying kick to the knee in the semis. It takes mystical Chink magic to put Daniel-san back together again.

TOMMY: Everyone knows someone like Tommy, a smart mouth who always has something funny to say but who also needs a good ass beating. A disproportionate number of the movie's most quotable non-Miyagi lines are his: "brew time, man!," "who are you kidding, you're still the ace degenerate," "take a right, check it out," "we really like your car Mrs. Larusso", "do what you gotta do Bobby," and the infamous "get him a body bag!" are all his. These lines are emblematic of his character. He's smaller and weaker than the other main Cobra Kai characters, so he makes up for this by being the perfect follower whose mouth makes him fun to have around. Guys like this are bad enough in high school when they are associated with assholes, but they are worse in college: they attach themselves to a fraternity as the crazy mascot guy who will say or do anything, and of course the older that you get the less funny that shit is. Tommy is the one who looks back to his high school days with the most fondness, because that's when the cool kids paid attention to him. Today, he's the type of guy who you want to kick in the balls. Unfortunately for our purposes of judging him, Tommy is also the character who shouts "must be take your worm for a walk week" at Daniel-san. This is quite possibly the gayest insult ever, combining as it does a ridiculous premise to begin with (a weird riff on "take your daughter to work day") with a weak insult ("worm") and excessive alliteration. Tommy loses big points here.

Fun Fact: Actor Rob Garrison was later in a soft-core porno. It was weird, i watched the entire film and there were no chicks in it.....
Best line: "Get him a body bag! Yeeeeaaah!" Fucking Brilliant.
Best move against Daniel-san: Punch to the side. Weak, but it does require Daniel-san to get taped up.

DUTCH: Dutch's character is rather confusing. I mean, until you realize that he's a psychotic. He gets phenomenally excited by the prospect of kicking the bloody hell out of Daniel-san, yet he has no credible motive for this. Johnny's desire to harm Daniel-san is understandable--Daniel-san is banging his woman. Bobby and Tommy spend more time trying to embarrass Daniel-san than anything else. Dutch, though, is different. His character is malevolent dick: he pushes Daniel-san down the hill, he's bouncing up and down and giggling like a little girl when they beat the shit out of him after the dance, and he issues a frighteningly cryptic set of threats in the locker room before the tournament. He has no real motivation for this behavior like Johnny does. So the only reasonable conclusion - and it fits the character very well - is that he's a sociopath. Everyone knows someone like this in high school, someone who beat on weaker kids just because he could, and whose favorite pastimes were malt liquor and date rape. If Tommy is the character you want to kick in the balls, Dutch is the character you want to avoid direct eye contact with. The best thing about Dutch is that Chad McQueen (who portrays him in the movie) even LOOKS like a sociopath, with those beady little eyes and that unnatural curly blond hair. Today, Chad McQueen looks like date rape is still high on his list of priorities.

Fun Fact: Actor Chad McQueen is the son of Steve McQueen (RIP)
Best line: "What's a matter, mommy not here to dress you?"
Best move against Daniel-san: Massive roundhouse kick to the eyeball. Fucking classic.

Given these different characteristics, how can we best judge the Cobra Kai? This is no easy task, for there are many different metrics. Coolest: Johnny. Best Lines: Tommy. Most Likely to Rape Your Sister: Dutch. Best to Study Algebra With: Bobby. Best Hair: Johnny. Biggest Cock..... But I submit that the true metric of the Cobra Kai is actual martial arts prowess. And here, one Cobra Kai stands out: Bobby. Bobby, you'll recall, was disqualified for excessive and deliberate contact in his only fight with Daniel-san. By contrast, Daniel-san defeated Tommy, Dutch, and Johnny (and also Jimmy and Jerry) during the tournament. That means that Bobby was actually more Chuck Norris than Johnny or the other Cobra Kai ever were. As Bobby is the only one who never lost to Daniel-san, and the only one who was able to even come close to putting Daniel-san out of commission, I hereby nominate him as the ultimate Cobra Kai.

Plus, Bobby's full name? Bobby Brown. Fuck Yea.