Monday, September 21, 2009

Holy Nine Day Layoff Batman!

Where the fuck did I go?? Well, in the past 9 days I lost the opening week of my fantasy football season (I'll post my draft analysis shortly for those who give a shit), I made the finals of my fantasy baseball playoffs.... $120 could be mine.. I'll be a millionaire!!! Ummm.... oh yea, heard my yet to be born child's heartbeat. That was pretty sweet. And... looking for a new job because my current one (although awesome) just doesn't pay enough with a kid on the way and the Mat leave pay cut we'll have to swallow in the new year. Shitty deal but Family above all right?

In other news: Stephen Harper is still a snake eyed fuck. Republicans are still hate mongering, platitude spewing mouth breathers. And I'm still a cynical sonnovabitch!

More topical posts to follow. Just wanted you guys to know that I'm still out here, observing with my sideways eye, ready to crack off at the ignorant masses who never cease to amaze me with their steadfast rejection of logical, sober, intelligent thought.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Click Me... this is fucking hilarious

... and I don't mean "ha ha I love Don Rickles" kind of funny (side note: if you don't think Don Rickles is funny then you are worse than Hitler), I mean "Oh dear, that retarded kid is licking the sidewalk" kind of funny. In other words, its not really their fault - they just don't know any better.

Seriously, I laughed out loud when I watched this. "You think I am a lier? Well you should have met my great great great grandmother Ethel, she always told the truth". Of course she did, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

Friday, September 11, 2009

This Guy meanders more than I do! (click here for article)

... and that's a shit load of meander!

At first I wanted to write a rebuttal on here but after a quick re-read I noticed that there really isn't anything to argue against. Its really just a series of random statements loosely tied to 9/11. So instead, I have this:

An editorial should basically be a short essay. You have an opinion to share and you use your savvy as a writer and researcher to support it. A proper essay is structured as follows:

1. Introduce your topic
2. Formulate an argument
3. Using evidence (empirical or otherwise), defend your argument
4. Conclude the essay

Of these 4 steps, by far the most important is #3. In quantifiable academic terms, the use of evidence (relevance and depth of research) is paramount to getting a passing grade - say 70-80% of your mark. In this regard, Ralph Peters fails miserably.


After introducing his topic (the 9/11 legacy) Ralph forms a very succinct argument: "We've learned nothing" (loss of marks for poor grammar here). Yet after a promising start this piece goes off the rails almost immediately.

"Instead of acknowledging that radical Islam is the problem, we elected a president who blames America" .... "Instead of protecting law-abiding Americans, we reject profiling to avoid offending terrorists." ..... "Instead of asking why Middle Eastern civilization has failed so abjectly, our president suggests that we're the failures. " .... "Instead of proudly and promptly rebuilding on the site of the Twin Towers, we've committed ourselves to the hopeless, useless task of rebuilding Afghanistan."

Spurious hyperbole and partisan rhetoric is not evidence. Not one source was noted, no stats referenced and not even a single quote in this series of quick strike talking points.

This is dangerous, irresponsible journalism. Not because I disagree with him, but because his "arguments" carry a significant amount of influence with the slack jawed masses that DO agree with him - without question. I'm not suggestion censure either, but an editor should have the balls to demand his contributors (Peters is not a NYpost writer, he's freelance) back up their claims with tangible evidence if they are going to write such inflammatory editorials as this.

Or, if you receive a paper that basically calls Obama an America hating, Christian and Jew hating, Saudi loving, freedom oppressing, elitist nigger who's in cahoots with Bin Laden.... tell the author to go fuck himself and peddle his wares over at Fox. They'll give anyone a platform.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Words I hope make a comeback...

Is it just me or is slang today really fucking lazy? It seem all one has to do is replace the last syllable with "izzle" (as in "For Shizzle") or just drop the last syllable entirely (as in "I'm getting off at Bloor Stache" as opposed to Bloor "Station"). Is a two syllable word really that fucking difficult to say? What a bunch of fat, bloated, decadent, spoiled, lazy fucks we are. Don't even get me started on BRB or BFF or WTF being included in the SPOKEN lexicon. Ugh....

So, without further ado, here is a collection of five slang words I hope to make popular again:

Righteous: What a great slang this is. First, its multisyllabic which makes it a difficult word for today's hip cat to pronounce. Second, its a real goddamn word. Meaning to act in accord with divine or moral law, its a stroke of genius to parlay it into an exclamation for anything of utmost cool. As if God himself decreed it. "The Tool concert was the most Righteous show I've ever seen!" Indeed.

Rad or Radical: Again, its a real word and multisyllabic. A complicated word in its traditional form, Radical has meaning in politics (extreme and rigid), sociology (major shift or change), math (algebra - root quantities) and chemistry (a destabilizing molecule). As it relates to this topic however, the word has been co opted to mean anything completely out of the ordinary, often shocking, but always awesome. "Did you see that goal Malkin scored last night? It was Rad as fuck!"

Bitchin: This is more of a quick strike declaration of cool. Whereas Righteous and Radical are reserved for events that require a bit more contemplation, Bitchin can be used when the circumstances call for a more immediate response. "Wow, that car is really Bitchin" or "Bitchin shoes, where did you get them?" and so on...

Heinous: This is another great word and takes us in a different direction than the previous three. Meaning outrageously evil or wicked, its been only slightly altered to describe anything NOT cool (but also not to be confused with anti-cool such as nerd or geek) like a stunt gone wrong. "You see that youtube video where the skateboarder bails and cracks his head open? It was heinous." I've been using this word for years. Heinous is bitchin.

Twat: This is simply a great word and I just don't understand why it doesn't have more appeal. One of a myriad of colloquialisms for vagina, the proper usage of this word can be devastatingly awesome. If I called someone (usually another dude) a Twat, its less a generic insult and more a statement on the individuals worth (or lack thereof) as a man. Whereas "pussy" denotes cowardice, a Twat goes much further. Weak, cowardly, and untrustworthy, a Twat is not someone you want with you in a foxhole, to know a secret about you or dating your sister. He is everything a man should NOT be. Twats are Heinous.

Now is the time for slang to be cool again. And not this lazy, douche nonsense we hear uttered everywhere by mindless Twats. Be forthright, be Righteous, and lets end this bullshit era of the "izzle". Rad.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

A Saturday Morning Diatribe Fo Yo Ass


Street Spitters: You are all disgusting pigs and I hope you get AIDS in your fucking eyeballs. Nickleback: Every time you release a single an Autistic child gets inappropriately touched. Shame on you. Jews: Keep giving birth to hot and edgy daughters. Mmmmm...... jewish chicks.... Mainstream Journalists: 90% of you are whores. Anything Joe the Plumber said or Britany Speers did is not news. Is your soul really that worthless? Reality Television Producers: Congratulations, you have successfully dumbed down the collective intelligence of millions. This is why the terrorists will win. Speaking of which..... War on Terror: Thank god this horsehit is over. How do you declare war against a military tactic anyways? That's like MLB declaring war against the squeeze play. Bill Murray: You're the fucking king. Never die. Porn: Way too much plot. Smarten up. Hollywood: Rumour has it that James McTeigue (Matrix, V For Vendetta) is set to direct the movie version of one of my favorite books, Altered Carbon. Please, please, please don't fuck this up! Stephen Harper: Go fuck yourself.