Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The 4 Worst Halloween Costume Ideas for Men.

There are so many I could have included here but I decided to limit it to lame archetypes that get perpetrated every year. Sci-Fi/Fantasy Film Characters, Animals and Dead Celebrities. When its done right, its oh so right... for example: Two very hot chicks I worked with went out as Chrissy and Janet from "Three's Company". Complete with short shorts, halter tops and an urn.... that they used as an ashtray.... this was 6 weeks after John Ritter died. Do I need to do the math? Fucking Brilliant.

These 4 examples on the other hand....

Anakin Skywalker: So, you’re out of ideas as to what to wear to your hot neighbor’s Halloween party… what to wear, what to wear…. Eureka, Anakin Skywalker! Chicks love insufferable douchebags right!? How else do you explain Brody Jenner getting laid? Seriously, fuck, don’t. In a single scene Luke was more butch when he was whining to Uncle Ben about butt plugs and power converters than Anakin was in the entire three horseshit prequels. Where the fuck was the Emperor doing his recruiting for dark apprentices, the Blue Oyster Bar? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTJMerul33E&feature=related - Hightower would have made a kick ass Sith Lord if only Palpatine knew he was at the Beach with Obi Wan Guttenberg). Are we to believe that Vader’s red hot rage is the result of suppressed homosexual desires? Why didn’t you just call Attack of the Clones “Star Wars Episode 2: Vaseline and Broken Dreams.” Fuck You George Lucas! Fuck You!! …. But I digress…

Ironic Twist that just might make it cool: Rainbow colored Light Saber. It’s subtle but fuck it, you already bought the outfit.

Gorilla: Because this hasn’t been done before. I realize you went out last minute for a costume but Jesus Christ, at least put in 5 minutes of extra effort. Your punishment for procrastination and lack of imagination? 6-10 hours encased in a rubber body suit and mask covered in synthetic fur. You can expect to sweat out 35lbs and then pass out in a corner and probably asphyxiate yourself on your own vomit. John Bonham would be proud. Now you’re dead. Nice job moron.

Neo: Ugh…. I already want to punch you in the face. I was actually at a Halloween party where there was a Neo present. He just kept walking up to people and saying “My name is Neo”, or “Guns, lots of guns”. I swear this twat must have rehearsed his “lines” for weeks in preparation for this party. You couldn’t even have a conversation with this tool because he refused to break character. So what’s an asshole to do? Well me and 4-5 other like-minded individuals filled several balloons with our urine, discretely told “Neo” that there was a drunk chick dressed up like Trinity showing off her tits in the basement, and when he rushed in there and quickly realized the room was empty, he turned and faced us just as we pelted him with our righteous piss bombs. Oh man, we laughed and laughed… it was classic. Not 100% sure what happened to that guy afterwards. I heard something about a move to Montana where he was going to write some kind of manifesto? Lol… what a character.

Michael Jackson: Are you fucking kidding me? Please kill yourself. Seriously. When’s the last time you listened to an MJ album? 1989? And now you love him again – so much so that you decided to dress up like him as a tribute on Halloween? Can you even spell irony? I will guaranfuckingtee that you ridiculed this whack job just as much as the rest of us for the past 20 years yet all of a sudden you’ve loved and respected this kiddie finger banger all along? Can I ask any more questions? I hope you’re sterile. Go fuck yourself.

Ironic Twist: Oh man, where do I start….. ok… how’s this…. Stitch a cabbage patch doll's face into the front of your pants. Also works nicely as a beer rest!

Halloween is rampant with douchebaggery which is why I've avoided it the last few years. Everyone is spending hours trying to impress a bunch of jerkoffs who are doing the same thing as you which just seems counter productive. Which is why you need to do the opposite. Piss off as many people as possible. The less people find you funny, the better your costume and conversely, the funnier you really are. For ideas, be sure to read my next post.

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